Hoo boy, this is starting to get scary.You're fascinated by grizzly bears. You learn all about them, studying their habits, their ecosystem, their diet. You read stories about grizzly bears and put a grizzly bear calendar on your wall. And then you go on a trip to Idaho hoping to fulfill you fondest wish and see one for yourself. All of which is great, up until the moment when you find yourself alone in the forest, ten feet away from 1,200 pounds of Ursus horribilis.
That's kinda how I'm feeling these days. Actually, I've been feeling that way ever since my leave got approved last fall, and it's just gotten increasingly more intense every day. Well, you got what you asked for, smart guy; now what?
Yesterday I was back at school, staring my last three weeks of teaching before I leave. I'm training my replacement. Six people asked me about when I was leaving. You're committed now, chucklehead. No way to back out without looking like a loser.
Of course, some of this is good and productive. I want the pressure, the sense of being watched and silently judged, because it's one of the things I'm counting on to keep me out there when I feel like quitting (almost everyone I've read about did, and I know I will). It's one of the reasons I'm creating this whole farging blog, to make failure as embarrassing as possible ... thereby lessening the chance of it happening. Marsellus Wallace was wrong about pride never helping anything.
And before someone says anything, yeah, yeah, it's "amazing just to try," follow a dream blah blah blah. Sorry, but right now it's better for me to think like Yoda: Do or do not, there is no try.
